Day 11

An update on Tour de West Coast, posted by Yours Truly, the girl with the largest thighs on the west coast.

Today is a much-needed rest day, we are in Crescent City (gross) and headed for Arcada. The ride has been amazing thus far and I am truly enjoying all of it, even the crappy parts, like my butt rash, or hills that climb for miles and miles and miles and miles. I've seen amazing views and met some great people (except for the guy to my right in the public library who is at this moment threatening to murder people).

Overheard last night in the bar of an awesome Mexican restaurant:

Drunk 1: I graduated from Penn State.
Drunk 2: Penn State, where's that? Kentucky?
Drunk 1: Yeah, Pennsyltucky.

Day Zero

Today begins the incredible journey of the White Lily (my bike) and Sea Biscuit (Sancho's bike) on a month-long journey of death-defying bike riding. I would tell you more details but I don't want the paparazzi to follow us and then cause a crash in the tunnel that kills me but not my media-mogul boyfriend who it turns out is not actually that attractive.

So Day Zero goes like this: Day Zero was spent enduring SOMEONE'S bad mood, driving to the launch point and eating nachos while listening to the religious/artillery-related zeal of my brother. Also today, there was a blessing of bikes, the bike trailers, the bike riders and two dogs that happened to get in the way.

Tomorrow is Day One, a.k.a, the day I stop shaving my armpits and start replacing meals with Cliff bars.

Over and out.

Catch up time

Things I am counting down:
4.5 days of school left
8 days until I leave to accomplish on bicycle what most people accomplish in car/plane: tour de west coast!
3 minutes until I open my next beer
7 episodes left in Season 4 of Da Wire, BEST SHOW EVER

Things I am jazzed about:
Aforementioned bike trip
Aforementioned beer
I got a paycheck in the mail that I didn't think I was going to get

Things I am less jazzed about:
Online dating
My bedroom windows don't open
Tomorrow is Monday

Two things

1) Overheard at Target:

Girl 1: "Did you know that Nikki bought running shorts just so she could look like she went running?
Girl 2: "Nikki has a great body, its kind of annoying."
Girl 1: "Yeah, but she does not have a good face."

Wow, ladies. Impressive. If there were commercials for bad friends, you would be in them.

2) Overheard at work:

The principal: "Where's your staff ID badge? You know, if you're not wearing it you have to put a quarter in my Mexican vacation fund."
Me (in reality): "Oh, right. OK, I think I have a quarter."
Me (in my mind): "Perfect, and you can put a quarter in my fund every time you make an unethical decision and then I'll be filthy rich."

In all seriousness...

...I have a second grade student that is smarter than you. During homework club she was looking for something to do and I told her she could braid yarn with another student. I promised the other student that I would buy a beautiful braided yarn-bracelet from her for a quarter and without pausing FOR EVEN A SECOND my student chimed in and said "oh, then I can buy 200 with the $50 I have." Uhhhh...let me get my calculator and make sure that's right. Jesus.

Something I adore about my young students is how they don't want to say exactly what they've done when they've messed up and they also don't want to take responsibility even though it was clearly them. Instead they tend to use the world's cutest euphemism: "Uh, Ms. So-and-so,....something happened." Ahh, yes. You accidentally wrote on the white board with a permanent marker. Something has indeed happened.

I heart my job.

Today at the gym....

...I projectile sweated on the trainer. Which is as close as I've come to projectile vomit, which is also a distinct possibility given the INTENSELY PAINFUL ABSURDITY of some of these workouts. But when I'm cut like Mariah Carey (post-meth addiction), I'll be thankful.

Now I'm just back at the house watching Season 2 Episode 1 of The Wire with my roommates. Watching The Wire has led to a steep decline in my grammar as well as an unexplainable desire to sell drugs and/or be sneaky. I have the distinct feeling I will never do either of these.

Things that make me want to barf:

The dog biscuit I accidentally ate today because it looked EXACTLY like one of those oyster crackers you put in your soup.

This post brought to you by.... "Things that make your life seem a little better in comparison to mine."

All things barf

I feel compelled because of the title of this masterpiece of modern blogature to post anytime barf is part of my day. Recently there was no actual barf, but I did receive the following text message: "something something something...let me know when you take barf of it." Uh, take barf of it? Oh, what would we do without autotext? The sender of this message, one EXTREMELY ANNOYING roommate informed me that when he types "case" or "care" it automatically spells 'barf.' In that barf, I really don't barf what he really has to say...in fact, I could barf less.

On to the most hilarious/disturbing part of my day:

One of the school buses in the paragon of public education that is the district where I work was "accidentally" crop dusted. (Point of clarification: I'm talking about real crop dusting, not the kind where someone farts on you as they walk by.) And I put "accidentally" in quotes because why would anyone crop dust something that is giant and yellow and full of children? Good Lord, people, get it together! I'm now trying to bribe other teachers to bring this up next time there is a discussion about low scores on the standardized tests.

That is all.

Q and A about my day

What was the best part about your day?

Easy. Arriving to work to realize that the driver's seat was wet (long story), and therefore that the ass of my pants was also wet.

A different kind of dead

I'm going to kill my roommate because he is trying to steal my blog (among other things). A list of his other recent offenses:

Indiscriminant belching
Nose hairs in the sink
Excessive drafting while on bike rides
Unnecessary references to sleeping with my mother
Friending my brother on Facebook
Not sending back Netflix movies quickly enough


That is all for now.

I like teaching and all, but.....

I'd much rather be a mariachi! Back to work today and it was not as heinous as I thought it'd be. Started off by translating a couple of behavior reports that had been written in Spanish and discovered that young Antonio has an unfortunate habit of asking girls to show him their boobs. This might come in handy later in life, kid, but right now you're in the 3rd grade and you need to knock that shit off. Then it was off to a meeting where I'm not really sure what I was supposed to be doing/saying so I just kind of sat as close as I could to the giant fake plant in the corner hoping to kind of disguise myself with the foliage. Then there was a baby shower for a couple of the teachers who are having babies. Booze was an inappropriate gift choice on my end, I can see that now, but it seemed like a really good idea and/or the only thing I had on hand.

The little rascals come back to school tomorrow and I'm trying to remember how to go hours on end without saying the f word.

Oh yeah, speaking of babies: you can buy pregnancy tests at the dollar store! And guess what? My friend, Pregosaurus Rex says they work! I'm sure there is some kind of social commentary involved in the sale of pregnancy tests at a dollar store, but I'm far too tired for that right now.