How to eat all of your calories in one meal

The Crunch Wrap Supreme is on sale for 88 cents this week at Taco Bell. There is a limit of two per person. Which at 580 calories a pop, two of those bad boys will take care of your caloric intake for the day. Yippee!

Break out the Ugg boots.

It's snowing here in beautiful New Hampshire! Or northern Utah! Or Montana! I mean, Michigan! That's right, you don't know where I live, which means you can't fire me for my blog that upon review if FULL of things that can get me fired. Woops. Anyway, suffice it to say that I'm home and really, really, really bored. So I'm blogging. And thinking about doing all sorts of fun things like cleaning the bathroom, doing laundry, fucking with my roommate's stuff while he's at work, and training the dog to do a special kind of bark any time a hot guy walks past.

Last night I inadvertently came up with a new life motto that applies to just about everything except sexual harassment: I'm accepted until I'm rejected. Which is how I'm approaching the whole waiting to get into grad school thing. So according to my new motto, I've been accepted at two great institutions of higher learning. Until of course, I'm rejected. At which point I will make a new blog will be about the funny things that happen while making porn instead of the funny things that happen while teaching. Don't be jealous.

Serious, then not serious, then serious again.

Serious: I am really going to need the mothers of my female teenage students to stop doing things like inculcating them with the idea that at 15 YEARS OF AGE they should drink water when they're hungry so they won't want to eat.

Not serious: I got a Valentine from a student that said "Dear Ms. __________, Best Wishes." Uhhhh...thank you?

Serious: The only thing better than pouring down rain at 9pm? Being locked out of your car in said pouring down rain at 9pm. It was like a Valentine to myself: "Roses are red, violets are blue, this weather f**king sucks and so do you."

An afternoon at the ballet.

I went today to the ballet with my mom and my 5-year old niece. The ballet had just begun and several dancers in their special skin-colored leotards were dancing around, as usually happens at the ballet, and my GENIUS niece waited until an appropriately quiet point in the music to declare, "THEY'RE NAKED, RIGHT?" "No, they just look like they're naked." "NO, THEY'RE NAKED." Ok, fine. They're naked. Think about how much more interesting the ballet would be if everyone was naked. I think a number of things would make the ballet more interesting: booze, fireworks, clowns, rock music...which is to say, everything that isn't the ballet is infinitely more interesting than ballet itself.

Wow, I have no idea where this hatred for ballet came from.

You like to dress how?

Somehow today the topic of clothing came up with my second graders. We are doing a highly technical experiment about water evaporation that involves setting cups of water in the window and checking how much water evaporates every day. It is thrilling. Today we decided to write down what day we thought the water would be completely evaporated on. One little girl asked what the prize was if her day was right, and I said I didn't know so she suggested "nice clothes." A little boy in the class didn't like that response and said that "some boys don't like nice clothes." Ah, yes, the familiar face of gender norms. Anyway...after addressing that issue, another child pipes in with, "I like to wear n***** clothes!" I'm not quite sure what face I made...but I told him that we couldn't say that word and that he needed to use a different word: "Uhhh...I like hip-hop clothes?" Sure.

To do list:

1) Stop listening to this on repeat.
2) Go running.
3) Go to Goodwill to buy hard hat.
4) Watch Superbowl wearing aforementioned hard hat.
5) Rue the end of the weekend.

Speaking of YouTube, I think that I've made my internet video debut in the form a cellphone-recorded fight in the high school cafeteria that I broke up on Thursday. That was not pleasant. I then proceeded to be at work until 8pm, come home and overflow the toilet while a livingroom full of guests laughed and said things like, "way to go." I'm kidding about the unhelpful guests, one guest in particular stepped up to the plate and waded through my poop water to help plunge. It was a spectacular day. Things improved greatly with an episode of Jersey Shore and a Blizzard from Dairy Queen.

Yep.

I was dazzled by the following drunkenly delivered pickup line last night:

Me: "Hi, I'm ______________."
Drunk dude: Long pause with lingering clammy handshake and stupid smile: "Have you met Miss Amazing?"
Me: "Uhhhh....no."
Drunk dude: 'Cuz I just did.

Wow. There are not enough words to express how UNimpressed I was.